Thailand - Day Three - Bangkok to Chaing Mai

We take the Sky Train to the weekend market. It is bignormous. Just massive. If I ever wanted jewelry, watches, dogs, converse (that wouldn't fit me) or a leather anything... this is where it would happen. Lisa found one necklace. It started at 250 Baht, but she got the good face discount and it was hers for 150 Baht. The negotiation process is nuts. About half the time there is a sticker price, otherwise they seem to come up with an arbitrary number and you just start going back and forth. With stuff you can't get in the states you just have to decide what you would pay. It's very odd to not have a reference point. If they say 3500 for a watch... you can say 300 and see what happens.

We pass a place that has kitchen stuff and plates for insanely cheap prices. Lisa says, "Don't say it." I ask "What?" She says, "That we should have registered here."

We then go to the 49th floor of a fancy hotel and have amazing Indian food. It costs $55, was a bit pricey and the best Indian food I have ever eaten. Totally worth it. This was Lisa's dish.

After that we got a Thai foot massage. An hour and 250 Baht each. It was S & M for your feet. Pain to pleasure in a second. At times they used a wood instrument and just pushed against the inside of your toes. It was worth the experience and the feet felt totally refreshed afterward, but pain, it hurt.

We head to the train to take a 12-hour ride to a city called Chiang Mai, in the northern part of Thailand. The train was perhaps my only idea for the trip. Before the trip I had two large beers. We encounter a kid from Stockholm (seen in the background) who we talk up a little bit. He introduces himself as McLovin and eventually shows us the the tatoo he has just below his belly button which actually says, "McLovin." He looks 14 even though he says 21.

Then the amazing happens. Lisa says that an Asian girl approaching looks like a fellow med student from UIC by the name of Georgie, but couldn't be since she was traveling with another Asian and Georgie's boyfriend is white. She gets closer and says, "Lisa?" Yup, it's Georgie. Neither knew the other was traveling. So we chatted for a while, McLovin joined in the conversation, then we had to run off for our train. I put the odds at 1 in a billion.

We took a first-class sleeper train. Lisa was told to stay away from the dinner, I only ate the rice and a hint of the cashew chicken.

I drank a few more beers and we watching "Gossip Girl" on the iPod Nano, then it was time for bed.

Once again, Lisa was prepared. The air-conditioning was freezing so we were in pants and long sleeves... That didn't last long.

After being asleep for a couple hours I awoke to the most humid, stagnant air of my life. It was probably close to 100 degrees. The air had gone out and we had about 8 more hours to go. I woke Lisa up as any caring husband would to explain to her how hot it was. She then went to wake up the attendant. He came into the room, tapped on the air, shrugged his shoulders, then left to turn the entire electrical power of all the first-class passengers on and off. No luck. He left. Did I mention there was no English spoken here? At this point the 4 large beers sloshing around in my stomach were a bad idea.

By morning I was a pool of sweat, and we arrived in Chiang Mai 1.5 hours late. There was no hope since the windows are locked shut. So, just to recap, as far as successful ideas for the trip -- Lisa was winning about 47 to 0. Especially once she told me it would have been the same price to fly. Hell on Earth.

Thailand - Day Four - Chaing Mai

Heaven on Earth at the Baan Orapin. No. 101 might quickly become my favorite. That was our hotel room. Beautiful place that quickly made the train feel like a distant thought, much like the rest of my life... only this time it wasn't due to my horrendous memory.

Opas quickly made us feel at home by having our room surprisingly ready at 8:00 a.m. I tried to tip him after he carried all of our luggage to our room, and he told me to save it for the staff... That's when I realized he was the owner.

Speaking of tipping, it's tough. Supposedly it's not customary, and sometimes insultive, yet touristy places know Americans tip. So it's a catch 22, or maybe you're just damned if you do, damned if you don't. We read 20 to 30 Baht is fine for things, if you really want to tip.

We got rid of our stuff, had a hot shower (which was a first, the hostel only had luke warm), and then headed to get breakfast at Libernard Cafe. The are known for their coffee & banana pancakes. Best ever. The pancakes were cooked into the cakes yet somehow the entire thing was cooked to perfection with just a hint of crispness on the outside. At this point I confess my undying love to this city. This was also the first time we had coffee on the trip since it was probably in the high 70s at the time and Bangkok was always in the 90s no matter what time of day.

Then it was off for more walking. Each day we kept talking about how long we felt like we had already been on vacation and I think it was due to the walking. I never felt rushed, but we were always doing something. At this point, it felt like we were already at one week.

The oldest temple in Chiang Mai has a bunch of elephants. Lisa loved it.

Then it was off to the prison to get another massage. Yes, we had heard the women's correctional facility was a great place to get a massage. I will give you a couple of moments to let your mind wander ...

OK, so we arrive, then a guard calls a car over. We get in, a guard is driving, and then we are taken on a 5-minute drive to a completely normal looking spa. In fact, it's the best looking yet. We lay down side-by-side in a row of about 10 mats and have the best massage of the trip. I get laughed at a little because I hang over the mat and when my lady has me sit up, she climbs on my back and twists both of us (to crack the small of your back), she flies off. They aren't used to my size.

Starving and refreshed we eat at Heuan Pen. Cockroaches on the floor, ants on the wall, and the best cheap food of the trip. Pork, chicken and papaya salad are great at the bill comes out to 130 Baht ($4.25). We thought it would be more so I decide to leave 100 Bhat ($3.25) for a tip. As we leave we can she her laughing. No idea if she loved the tip or was making fun of the stupid American.

We got back to the Baan Orapin and went for a swim with a 35 Baht beer from our mini-fridge. It's tough to say whether I appreciated the pool (with small waterfall) or stocked beer.

At the Sunday market - more of a local street vendor thing with arts, crafts and food we got some pad thai for 10 Baht. No good. No flavor. Then we splurged at got pad thai for 20 Baht. Then some spring rolls. Before the trip, Lisa read that Thailand has the best street food in the world. Probably a safe call.

Got back and went for another quick swim in the dark. After a couple minutes, Lisa jumped out of the pool because something was moving. I was hoping it wasn't the largest bug I had ever seen, and it turned out to be a frog, which I then spent 5 minutes trying to "rescue" the thing. Mission accomplished.

Thailand - Day Five - Chiang Mai

Breakfast with Pepsi. French toast, passion fruit juice and coffee. All part of the free breakfast as Baan Orapin. I asked our server his name. He said, "Pepsi," clearly he didn't understand, so I repeated myself. Same response. Then I pointed to myself and said "Jeff," just to make sure he understand. Then he made the drinking motion, said, "Pepsi" then pointed to himself. Once again, the lesson is that I am a stupid American. He sincerely struck me as someone who loves his life and loves serving/helping others. Later, when we needed to make a phone call, he ran to get his cell phone.

Then it was time to fly. Flight of the Gibbons was a zip line course in the rain forest that Lisa has arranged. 3000 Baht each, which included the hour drive, lunch, and a waterfall (huge, long, beautiful), as well as a 15-station zip line course. We met Matt from the UK and Susan/Joanne, sisters from Ireland.

It was a group of the five of us along with two instructors, one named Tiger. Lisa was a pro.

I was a bit dangly.

Supposedly one of the stations was the highest in the country, continent, world, something like that. Seemed likely. The instructors loved Lisa, mainly because they could bounce her along the line and she wouldn't mind. Let me use caps to fully express myself... THIS WAS WELL WORTH THE PRICE AND ABSOLUTELY NEEDS TO BE DONE IF YOU VISIT THE AREA.

After that we got a blind massage. Yup. Blind. The government helps support blind people so they can have a trade. We heard good things. I went with the oil massage, Lisa another Thai. Mine was like lightly rubbing lotion all over your body (awful). Lisa's was crushed. I would look over and every single time she was just wincing, and for obvious reasons, her guy didn't pick up on her discomfort. As we left, Lisa was convinced she would be bruised. She was correct.

That night we ate at Whole Earth. It is now home to the greatest chicken with red curry I have ever eaten in my life (on the right side in the banana leaf). It was actually mashed, so every bite was the same. I couldn't get over the flavor and constantly told Lisa as much.

That night we met up with Joann, Susan and Matt. Good times. We got drinks. Everything was dead that Sunday night due to a Buddhist holiday. Lisa and I finally learned the regular sized bottle is worth the hint of extra money because it is always served in a koozy and it is always cold. We spent most of the night talking about the differences between Americans and Europeans with pop culture. It felt like one of those convos you get into with friends about 80s cartoons. "You watched the British Office? Oh my god, me too! Remember that time..." and so on and so forth.

Thailand - Day Six - Chiang Mai

Eggs for breakfast, a couple cups of coffee and we were ready to go.

The elephant conservatory outside of Chiang Mai is also the only elephant hospital in Southeast Asia. This place is much more humane than the stories we heard of elephant's being prodded until bleeding with other places.

It was only 70 Baht to enter and tour the place. It's close to 3000 Baht to train as a mahout (elephant rider/trainer) for a day, but we decided to spend our money elsewhere. As we show up they are starting a show and we get to see elephants dragging logs, the power of their trunks, a bit of painting (seriously) and then we feed them bananas.

Afterward we walked the grounds and learned about elephant dung paper. They make it on site and I bought a couple of notebooks. Totally orderless, but you can actually see grains of watermelon seed or other things the elephant was eating embedded in the paper.

Then we hung out with some baby elephants and visited the hospital where they were diagnosed with everything from "not producing milk for baby" to "depression." Apparently a healthy elephant swings its tail back and forth five times then flips it over and raising its trunk. If that's not happening, its depressed.

We also took an elephant ride for 30 minutes. It was nice, a bit wobbling and our mahout spoke no English, so at the end of the ride when we went into the lake, we were curious what was going on. I could have touched water. Apparently, the elephant just had something on its ear and he washed it off.

At lunch Lisa had a young coconut. The milk is sugary/sweet inside and supposedly very healthy.

Close by, at a really old temple, Lisa got a hint sick. At this point neither of us had felt ill and had avoided salads, non-bottled water, ice and fruit from street vendors. So she didn't have much inclination to fall in love with the temple, which I loved because it was one of the few that was covered in gold leaf.

Then we hit some factory outlets which were awful, overpriced and pointless. Though we did see a factory where workers were actually making the rings. Not a sweat shop, but in the same ballpark.

In the evening we hit up the Night Bazzar, had a roti (crepe-like thing with chocolate & bananas), and finally bought stuff.

I purchased a cigarette holder and business card case made out of wood. Both are awesome. Lisa decided I got ripped off even though we have no idea how much I should have paid. Price = 200 Baht.

Thailand - Day Seven - Chiang Mai

Time to cook.

Baan Thai Cookery School ... but first I ate French Toast even though many people told me not to bother since I would be having six courses during the cooking classes. Lisa has yogurt and fresh fruit. Pepsi was still doing great.

As we are driving around, picking people up for the class, we meet Ben, who currently lives in Sydney, is originally from Philadelphia and has lived in L.A., Boston, Seattle, London and probably a few other places... needless to say, he had a number of impressive stories. The best probably was Tiger land, outside of Bangkok, where monks raised injured wild animals. He played with full-size tigers and black bears. Lisa and I were tempted to investigate for a second, but the idea of being eaten alive didn't sit well.

We also met Fintan and Mark, two Irish men who were completely and utterly hungover from the night before. They seemed sober after 10 minutes. F-bombs, cigarettes and Irish accents, I couldn't have been happier.

Lisa and I never cooked in the same room because we made different dishes. First we went to a local market and checked out fruits (mangosteen, jackfruit and lychee) and fish, then we cooked. I burned my first dish (just the garlic). Everything but the fish cakes (slightly different than crab cakes) were amazing. Lisa and I made: fresh curry paste, hot and sour prawn (shrimp) soup, green curry with chicken, chiang mai noodle, spring rolls, papaya salad, fried noodle thai style, deep-fried banana and mango with sticky rice. Again, caps -- DO A COOKING CLASS. There are many to choose from and it seems like you can't go wrong.

Then we went back to get a massage from the women's prison. Lisa got a foot, I got an oil massage, but asked for a strong one. Best ever. I was immediately hooked. It was the best of a standard massage plus thai, with none of the pain.

We didn't eat a thing that night.

We met Joann and Susan, along with Fintan and Mark at the UN Irish Pub (cause it was close) and then went out. Drinking beer constantly. We hit up Heaven Beach, sand for a floor and an amazing cover band that probably didn't speak a lick of English, but that didn't stop them from nailing AC/DC, Nirvana, Coldplay, Franz Ferdinand and The Killers. The sound quality of this clip isn't great, but trust me, they were dead-on.

This was the night of Man-U versus Chelsea. Game time - 2:00 a.m. and Mark was a HUGE Manchester fan. I know about soccer because of video games and my friend John, so I wasn't too excited.

Mark went to a bar to make sure he could get in and watch the game. Fintan took the rest of us to a Thai club. We were the only white people. No, I was never worried about anything... except Fintan. At this stage, I should have been done drinking. Fintan goes to the bar and comes back with an entire bottle of whiskey and cokes. I think it cost less than $10. As soon as we start drinking the bar begins to close. We somehow get through half the whiskey, and have to go. Fintan pockets the rest.

We go back to the bar, which appears closed (but that's only on the outside). Mark gets us in and Fintan and I join him at the bar. Lisa and the girls grab a booth. Mark's drinking whiskey and coke from a bucket, an actual bucket. I continue to try and keep up... no logic here. The bartender brings out some sort of tuna thing and potato thing and eat. Fintan is still going strong, telling me Man-U winning is just like the Cubs (he spent a summer in Chicago back in 2005).

Once the game goes into overtime, Lisa is done, and I am done. We say good-bye to Fintan, but not Mark... he's throwing up in the back room.

We get back to our place around 5 a.m. and I watch the shoot-out (Ronaldo's miss, Terry's slip, then the save) on the TV, then fall asleep. It was amazing.

Thailand - Day Eight - Chiang Mai to Phuket

Awful.

We woke up at 8:30 and ate some breakfast. I only drank coffee and ate some bacon. We packed up getting ready to head to Phuket (beach city on the south side of the country).

At about 10, I realize I wasn't hung over, but still drunk and now I going to be sick. After being "sick" in the toilet, we take a 30 minute ride to the airport.

Once on the airplane, I decided to be "sick" again before we took off. It was rough. After the two hour flight and being in and out of sleep, we caught a one-hour drive to our hotel . The Katathani. It would cost about $400 a night in the states, we were staying for $120 a night. It was beautiful, but I was in no mood to enjoy, so while Lisa was at one of the five pools, I was watching "Casanova," and "Babe." I recovered for the sun set and we ate dinner at Orchid Seafood. Lisa had prawns and garlic, I had a banana shake and a toasted pineapple and cheese sandwich. Lisa ate 80 percent of the food as I was still making the comeback.

Then we watched the insanely depressing "Last Kiss" and slept.